and now it’s Christmas eve, and here i am, trying to come down from the semester. the last two or three weeks have been particularly hard on me physically, and as it usually is with me, the mental fallout is a little time delayed. so it’s happening now. the anxiety has been leaking out of me all day. i think i am the first day of what i predict will be one of those three or four day long low frequency migraines, with enough pain to make my life annoying but not enough for it to be incapacitating.

my review was last thursday. the week leading up to it was strangely pleasant. i switched around my schedule completely - classes were essentially done, so i allowed myself to work through the night and sleep during the day. it’s a habit i started when i was an undergrad; and the fact remains that no matter how much i attempt to train myself to get up early in the morning, my most productive hours as an artist have been (and i suspect always will be) from about 8 pm to 4 am. i attribute this partly to the fact that no one is around, and therefore no one bothers me, but i suspect it also something to do with my body’s circadian rhythm. during that time, i have the run of the entire department, i turn up my music or podcasts to obnoxious levels, and i usually take off my bra (cause no one should be wearing a bra at 3 in the morning). i watched more than one sunrise (my windows face east), including one from the roof of the building (spectacular).

after the sunrise, i stumble out of the elevator at 7 or 8 or 9 in the morning, just as everyone is coming in. i tend to lose track of what day it is when i do this - if you don’t go to sleep, it’s hard to conceptualize that is in fact Tuesday and not still Monday. and i collapse in my bed, the morning sun glowing warmly from my window, and i fall into a most delicious exhausted dreamless sleep. i love sleeping during the day far more than at night, and i suspect that, if given a choice, i would make these my hours permanently.

i passed my review. i have been admitted to the big MFA show in the spring, and now all that is left to do is make the work, polish the thesis, and of course, apply for jobs and residencies and hope and pray that there is an end in sight to my poverty. there is only one semester left, which is exciting and scary and sad all at the same time. in last few weeks, for the first time, i’ve felt an inkling of the loss that i will experiencing in May. this small part of my life is slowly closing up and coming to end. it’s so strange that i won’t be around these people and this place for much longer, and what’s worse, i’m afraid i will be so busy that i won’t have time to stop and really enjoy all of it.

and then, i get to move on and be the grown-up, the teacher, to be the start of something somewhere else, to be the person that everyone looks to for the answers. that notion is frightening and humbling, but i’m ready for it.